dealing with it

Friday evening we went on our very first hike here in New York (ok, Albany, to be specific). The weather worked out perfect: though rain/thunderstorms were expected, it rained in the late afternoon, clearing up the skies for the almost-solstice sunset-moonrise hike. We have never been to the Pine Bush Preserve but have heard about it so there was much to look forward to!

The Preserve is simply lovely, I can see us spending much time there! What "surprised" us were the mosquitoes. Not that we went unprepared. We have been warned of the enormous-sized mosquitoes here and we have brought along our anti-bug spray. But it really was something to see those huge mosquitoes swarming around us! It was dusk and their dinner time and I expect they must be licking their chops and thinking what a wonderful dinner we made! I have to admit even I felt a bit intimidated, though also relieved at the same time that we found a good DEET-free spray and it seemed to be working.

Still, it wasn't long before everyone started to do a "mosquito dance" of some sort, waving arms around our bodies to try to ward off the bug attacks, shaking our heads, stamping our legs and so on. I really admired how our guide reacted. She was very calm and informed us that we will encounter the mosquitoes and that we should also wonder why there are so many of them, what is out of balance? That was a very good question to ask- because we may well have a role in what was attacking us. Instead of doing the mosquito dance she kept on with what she was supposed to be doing that evening. I saw she got a couple of bites on her face but she was unfazed. She obviously was having a good time enjoying the surrounds and having the opportunity to show us the marvel of it all, and pointing out interesting things to us. I learned a lot from her calm reaction, her thoughtful words and her dedication.

Another thing that impressed me was when I called the preserve to make our reservation for the hike, I asked if they will cancel in case of inclement weather? I was told they do not normally cancel unless the weather was absolutely very bad, and then they will call. I was told we could choose not to show up, but they will continue with their program even if it rains. I recall too that the farmers market would be on, rain or shine. I guess with the weather here, people just do not let external factors stop them. Rain or shine, life goes on. If there is sun, enjoy it. If there is rain, enjoy it too, or carry an umbrella. If there is snow, go out and enjoy it too, just dress accordingly! This was another great thing I took away- we just have to make the best of it all.

We have so much adjustments to make. I think making the decision to go with the flow will be a wise one.

bullets

• when we find something we do not like, it is good, because it helps define what we like.
• Getting to know ourselves and our defined boundaries is not always an easy process.
• I find it really helps when I am unhappy about something to ask why it is so, and what need of mine is not being fulfilled. Then I can focus on how to fulfil my needs instead of focusing on that "thing" and fuming over it, which is most unproductive.
• Ultimately, things even out. You get some, you lose some. You just can't expect to have EVERYTHING.
• And ultimately, what is most precious to me, what do I need most? You three, close to me, safe and happy. That is all I need, everything else is really just secondary.

stop and be here now

It is so easy to tell others to be in the moment, to live now. It has to be a constant reminder.

I had to catch myself the other day because I realized I was making a lot of "if" and "when" sentences, like everything is in the future- the roses, the good life, the happiness. As I put away things I noticed small little details that I was not used to or that I really did not like, and so I will start a sentence with "When we have a house, it must not have.... it will not be.... it cannot have... it's gotta be...." Or I will go, "I am not going to live in a house that does not have...."

When I took two steps back, step out of my body and took a look of myself, I looked truly ridiculous. Oh my goodness. I don't think I could even bear to look at myself, or admit any connections with the woman pacing up and down the apartment, mumbling and whining and complaining. What a sight I was, only not very pretty.

I do realize that we will always be comparing. How things used to be this and that, in a better way. But it may not exactly always be "better", just what we were used to. I realize that making changes, even small habitual ones, can be a big step for the brain. Routines are good, safe, and requires little brain power. That is why I wanted to break out of my own rut. I felt like I was in a trench one thousand feet deep and I was getting very comfortable and I wasn't sure if there is anything still firing in my little head.

So we are here now and your father wonders why I can't just lean back and relax while driving. Well, it is because I am not used to the roads here and that keeps me on the edge of my seat. Which tires me out some days but I know given time I am going to one day be an old hand at this. You gotta believe me- didn't I just drive to the farmers market and home the other day without turning on the GPS system? I was so proud of myself. Still, everything is confusing to me and my brains are hurting trying to make connections and every time I am behind the wheel I am muttering a prayer that I do not kill someone that day while driving because I am trying to keep my eyes on the road, on signs, on the GPS, on people and jay-walkers, all at one go. My brains hurt, my eyes hurt, I think my ego ached a bit too.

Back to where I was about jumping ahead to the future where the perfect live resides. The perfect life is here, now. Yes, hopefully we one day have an activity room where we get to do fun, creative and crazy stuff, but even if we do not, we can still do fun, creative and crazy stuff. We can already start now, right in this apartment with the hardwood floors and expensive cabinetry. Yes, I admit it makes us nervous to see you kids walking around with anything in case you make a scratch or a mark or a dent, or ding, or dong, that will cost us our security deposit, but life cannot be shrink-wrapped. So I am just going to do my best to protect all surfaces while we create. It will make me go crazy but I am already halfway there, so why not.

I also want to take a moment to write down some things I am loving and appreciating, because all those petty whining have to stop.

• I love the large bathrooms in this apartment. They are larger than most baths we had seen when looking at houses!
• The ceilings are high and give a great sense of space.
• I also love the tall windows that let in a lot of light and allows me to admire the green tree tops outside.
• The overcast days remind me of the lazy afternoons I used to enjoy when growing up in the tropics.
• We have a good internet connection which allows me to communicate with friends and family with ease.
• The drawers in the kitchen are great- you can't slam them. They have this anti-slam mechanism that makes it close by itself slowly even if you push it hard. I love watching that.
• I love the green field across the apartment and that you can safely run around there.
• Though the farmers market is smaller, we can find food we want to get easily.
• People in general have been helpful and welcoming.
• Not having a lot of stuff here helps clear my head and brings a sense of focus.
• The Asian supermarket is small but has all that we need, plus they have a bakery attached to it, and they sell the boba tea as well. Everything in one place!
• They do not have a time-of-use plan here so I can run the dishwasher and the washer/dryer anytime I want!
• Talking about what we are used to, the locals find this overcast/rainy weather "blah", but we are enjoying it, what a nice change from the heat!
• Best of all, these crazy days make us appreciate each other more, and what each of us bring to the family in our unique way.

teetering

I am sitting in a small living room with high ceilings, looking at the splattering of raindrops on the tall windows, and thinking how they look so pretty and sparkling as the street lamp shines on them. The same street lamp lit up the master bedroom bright as day but we have some curtains up now, which is a feat due to the high ceilings. We are living for now, in an apartment that used to be a school, a historical building converted into a luxury apartment, with hard wood floors and nice cabinets. It is the only apartment that will let us stay here short-term, while we hope for our old house to sell fast, so we can buy a new one here and settle in.

I still see boxes to be unpacked, though we are almost done. And then all the luggage also need to be unpacked, and there is more laundry and I have to figure out how to make everything fit and work in this small apartment, and how we have to make use of the only standing lamp we have.

I need to figure out our food options. I sort of know what we have here now, but they are not familiar choices (I can still remember the route I always make at our favorite Trader Joe's where what is shelved and even the height at which I need to reach my arm out in order to grab those bags of chocolate chips), and then there is the matter of balancing out all options and still keeping the food budget, and streamlining everything so I am not spending a load of time driving here and there just to get food.

We don't know when our old house will sell so I have no idea when we will buy a new house, and goodness knows when we will move in and then there will probably be weeks of unpacking and organizing. I think I read it takes about six months minimum to settle into a new place.

But last week we got our library cards here and that had helped us feel stable and grounded in many sense.

Through the blessings of the internet I have connected with a few local moms, but we have not met yet and I know you are rather impatient to meet some local kids. I am working on that, trust me.

Tonight the apartment is starting to feel like home, we were able to eat our first home-cooked meal in weeks and we all felt rather relaxed with most things unpacked, we even watched a bit of TV. And then my thoughts turned to how everything needs to be upheaveled again in a few months. Moving to a new place, organizing the new space, and figuring out the surroundings again. It feels a bit tiring. It feels like there is so much movement and action, and I yearn some stability, even stillness. I just want to sit and be.

Which reminds me of my deliberation about "balance" several years back. I felt balance is not a static state, but a very dynamic one. The tight-rope walker is balanced because she keeps making small adjustments left and right, front and back, being still seems to make her tip. To find balance in life we need to experience such tippings and inbalances... we know we are out of balance because something is too much or too little. Then we make adjustments and then we come to a point where we feel safe, comfortable, peaceful and happy. But such states never stay for long. I can remember so many times in life I have said to myself, I think I've got this figured out now! only to find I need to make changes again, and adjust yet again, and while at that time all those adjustments can be scary, or annoying, they seem to always do something good to me. They crush my ego a bit more, and train my patience a bit more, expand my world a bit more, and make me realize better what I want or do not want in my life.

Of late I am a bit obsessed with our food options. I am faced with the challenge of somehow maintaining our budget and food choices without the familiar shopping choices. i am still garnering information and weighing choices. It makes me impatient, because the old familiar way was great. I had a routine down pat and I can drive with my eyes closed to all our regular shopping spots, but now I am relying on the GPS and everything is just different. I hope you bear with me while I figure it all out. And hopefully we will eventually settle not too far from this apartment so whatever I spend the next couple of months figuring out will not all be gone to waste. At least tomorrow when I hit the farmers market again I already know which stalls I will be making a beeline to, and I have a mental list in my head and soon we will just be friends and now new customers.

I have to confess every time I come into a situation where I need to make adjustments I am not always happy about it. It is true I wanted to get out of my own rut and challenge my senses and capabilities but I will also admit like tonight I just want to sit and stare at the pretty sparkling raindrops on our windows, or just snuggle into our old couch and read a book. I do grumble. I whine. I feel scared also sometimes, or impatient. But I also know I have to let all these feelings come to surface and let them all bubble up and over, and then through all these I will find my will, my strength and my humor and then everything will be ok. Amidst all these craziness (or nonsense, or crap, as I have often said of late) there is always a bigger perspective we hang on to. No matter what, at the end of the day, even when everything had gone wrong wrong wrong, when we are still all together, I really don't care that we had to sleep on beach towels because the movers put our bedding box into storage.

I do wonder when I will say NO MORE TEETERING AND NO MORE CHANGES AND NO MORE ADJUSTMENTS. Maybe when I get sick of moving, maybe I just grow old and want to surround myself with chocolates and books and live next to a mango plantation and I don't care a damn about new places anymore. Maybe one day the only new I want is a new word, a new novel maybe. I am not sure if that will be a sad day or a good day when it comes, it all depends on perspective I guess. Right now, I know I am teetering and it is challenging, but I am going to do it. You have been most great and patient and amazing the past weeks, you made the teetering easier and keep me going. I love you, even when I am the crankiest mom in the whole wide world. After gamely going along with me all day, every night you sleep like a log and I love to see your peaceful faces and half-opened mouths, curled up without a care in the world. I want to sleep like that, coz teetering can be so tiring, but I think this is what I will keep doing, coz it is all so worth it!

goodbye Arizona

Goodbye, Arizona.

Here, I gave birth to four children, and now I leave you, taking three with me, holding hands, and one I hold in my heart. So many lessons here, thank you.

I remember when I first arrived here. The space was so different from what I was used to: so flat, vast, gray and brown. So unfamiliar, and I was scared and unsure. I did not drive and I did not see how I could walk to places, and my feet always yearn to touch the ground. I remembering peering out of the car window most curiously on our drive from the airport, trying to see if I will spot the saguaro blossoms that I had read about. I tried to feel for the pulse of the desert, but I failed.

First I learned where to get food. Next, where the post office was, and then the library, then the parks. Slowly, I made friends, and got to know people.

I noticed the houses were so brown, the earth so gray and dry. The leaves so small, the blossoms sometimes very reluctant. I missed the rain, large foliage and huge exuberant and colorful flowers. I shuffled my feet, impatient and puzzled at the lack of life here.

It took me some time but I realized that the desert is very much alive. It is not a neglected place, but it demands you to open your heart and your eyes at the same time. It requires that you have a deep curiosity and determination if ever you wish to experience the wonder of this place. It is not an overnight process, this unfurling of the heart and opening of the eyes, but everything takes time in nature, and so it is.

We've seen and done wonderful things here. We've experienced that the desert has much to offer, only we need to be attentive, and listen and look, and stop and breathe. If people have managed to live here for such a long time, then it is because they have learned to live with the uniqueness of this place, they adapt. They listened intently to the songs of nature and they danced in step.

I was truly humbled and amazed. I realized that the problem was not the desert, nor the tiny foliage that drove me nuts; neither was it the shades of never-ending brown's. It was my arrogance, thinking my environment needs to bend backwards and give me what I desire.

I bring away many wonderful memories of our hikes, our delightful discoveries and our songs on the hiking trails. I hear still the splash of the water when we arrived at the water-holes and I can hear still the animal sounds at night in the desert. I leave with deep gratitude of all the friends I have made here for their beauty and generosity, and their humor and of course I will recall fondly the collective groans during the summer months. I am thankful for all the people who have crossed our paths, even those who did it only once. Sometimes once is enough for a long-lasting impression that never fades, like that rattle-snake we once happened upon.

I know that these last days saying goodbye had been difficult, and sometimes I wonder where had your excitement for a new home gone? But the truth is that this is hard for me as well, I am just not having enough mind-space to process it all, and I can tell you that I feel intimidated that I am going out there where no one really knows me, and I wish i could just stay here and be surrounded by people who already know who I am and where I know where to get what I need. See, it's htat comfort zone thing again.

Hopefully we will remember the lessons that the desert has taught us and that the richness she had offered us will continue to fertilize the soil of our minds and hearts. I have high hopes that the friends we said good bye to will not disappear even as we physically leave this place. And in our new home, we shall remember to keep our hearts and eyes open, and listen.