I had to catch myself the other day because I realized I was making a lot of "if" and "when" sentences, like everything is in the future- the roses, the good life, the happiness. As I put away things I noticed small little details that I was not used to or that I really did not like, and so I will start a sentence with "When we have a house, it must not have.... it will not be.... it cannot have... it's gotta be...." Or I will go, "I am not going to live in a house that does not have...."
When I took two steps back, step out of my body and took a look of myself, I looked truly ridiculous. Oh my goodness. I don't think I could even bear to look at myself, or admit any connections with the woman pacing up and down the apartment, mumbling and whining and complaining. What a sight I was, only not very pretty.
I do realize that we will always be comparing. How things used to be this and that, in a better way. But it may not exactly always be "better", just what we were used to. I realize that making changes, even small habitual ones, can be a big step for the brain. Routines are good, safe, and requires little brain power. That is why I wanted to break out of my own rut. I felt like I was in a trench one thousand feet deep and I was getting very comfortable and I wasn't sure if there is anything still firing in my little head.
So we are here now and your father wonders why I can't just lean back and relax while driving. Well, it is because I am not used to the roads here and that keeps me on the edge of my seat. Which tires me out some days but I know given time I am going to one day be an old hand at this. You gotta believe me- didn't I just drive to the farmers market and home the other day without turning on the GPS system? I was so proud of myself. Still, everything is confusing to me and my brains are hurting trying to make connections and every time I am behind the wheel I am muttering a prayer that I do not kill someone that day while driving because I am trying to keep my eyes on the road, on signs, on the GPS, on people and jay-walkers, all at one go. My brains hurt, my eyes hurt, I think my ego ached a bit too.
Back to where I was about jumping ahead to the future where the perfect live resides. The perfect life is here, now. Yes, hopefully we one day have an activity room where we get to do fun, creative and crazy stuff, but even if we do not, we can still do fun, creative and crazy stuff. We can already start now, right in this apartment with the hardwood floors and expensive cabinetry. Yes, I admit it makes us nervous to see you kids walking around with anything in case you make a scratch or a mark or a dent, or ding, or dong, that will cost us our security deposit, but life cannot be shrink-wrapped. So I am just going to do my best to protect all surfaces while we create. It will make me go crazy but I am already halfway there, so why not.
I also want to take a moment to write down some things I am loving and appreciating, because all those petty whining have to stop.
- I love the large bathrooms in this apartment. They are larger than most baths we had seen when looking at houses!
- The ceilings are high and give a great sense of space.
- I also love the tall windows that let in a lot of light and allows me to admire the green tree tops outside.
- The overcast days remind me of the lazy afternoons I used to enjoy when growing up in the tropics.
- We have a good internet connection which allows me to communicate with friends and family with ease.
- The drawers in the kitchen are great- you can't slam them. They have this anti-slam mechanism that makes it close by itself slowly even if you push it hard. I love watching that.
- I love the green field across the apartment and that you can safely run around there.
- Though the farmers market is smaller, we can find food we want to get easily.
- People in general have been helpful and welcoming.
- Not having a lot of stuff here helps clear my head and brings a sense of focus.
- The Asian supermarket is small but has all that we need, plus they have a bakery attached to it, and they sell the boba tea as well. Everything in one place!
- They do not have a time-of-use plan here so I can run the dishwasher and the washer/dryer anytime I want!
- Talking about what we are used to, the locals find this overcast/rainy weather "blah", but we are enjoying it, what a nice change from the heat!
- Best of all, these crazy days make us appreciate each other more, and what each of us bring to the family in our unique way.
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