teetering

I am sitting in a small living room with high ceilings, looking at the splattering of raindrops on the tall windows, and thinking how they look so pretty and sparkling as the street lamp shines on them. The same street lamp lit up the master bedroom bright as day but we have some curtains up now, which is a feat due to the high ceilings. We are living for now, in an apartment that used to be a school, a historical building converted into a luxury apartment, with hard wood floors and nice cabinets. It is the only apartment that will let us stay here short-term, while we hope for our old house to sell fast, so we can buy a new one here and settle in.

I still see boxes to be unpacked, though we are almost done. And then all the luggage also need to be unpacked, and there is more laundry and I have to figure out how to make everything fit and work in this small apartment, and how we have to make use of the only standing lamp we have.

I need to figure out our food options. I sort of know what we have here now, but they are not familiar choices (I can still remember the route I always make at our favorite Trader Joe's where what is shelved and even the height at which I need to reach my arm out in order to grab those bags of chocolate chips), and then there is the matter of balancing out all options and still keeping the food budget, and streamlining everything so I am not spending a load of time driving here and there just to get food.

We don't know when our old house will sell so I have no idea when we will buy a new house, and goodness knows when we will move in and then there will probably be weeks of unpacking and organizing. I think I read it takes about six months minimum to settle into a new place.

But last week we got our library cards here and that had helped us feel stable and grounded in many sense.

Through the blessings of the internet I have connected with a few local moms, but we have not met yet and I know you are rather impatient to meet some local kids. I am working on that, trust me.

Tonight the apartment is starting to feel like home, we were able to eat our first home-cooked meal in weeks and we all felt rather relaxed with most things unpacked, we even watched a bit of TV. And then my thoughts turned to how everything needs to be upheaveled again in a few months. Moving to a new place, organizing the new space, and figuring out the surroundings again. It feels a bit tiring. It feels like there is so much movement and action, and I yearn some stability, even stillness. I just want to sit and be.

Which reminds me of my deliberation about "balance" several years back. I felt balance is not a static state, but a very dynamic one. The tight-rope walker is balanced because she keeps making small adjustments left and right, front and back, being still seems to make her tip. To find balance in life we need to experience such tippings and inbalances... we know we are out of balance because something is too much or too little. Then we make adjustments and then we come to a point where we feel safe, comfortable, peaceful and happy. But such states never stay for long. I can remember so many times in life I have said to myself, I think I've got this figured out now! only to find I need to make changes again, and adjust yet again, and while at that time all those adjustments can be scary, or annoying, they seem to always do something good to me. They crush my ego a bit more, and train my patience a bit more, expand my world a bit more, and make me realize better what I want or do not want in my life.

Of late I am a bit obsessed with our food options. I am faced with the challenge of somehow maintaining our budget and food choices without the familiar shopping choices. i am still garnering information and weighing choices. It makes me impatient, because the old familiar way was great. I had a routine down pat and I can drive with my eyes closed to all our regular shopping spots, but now I am relying on the GPS and everything is just different. I hope you bear with me while I figure it all out. And hopefully we will eventually settle not too far from this apartment so whatever I spend the next couple of months figuring out will not all be gone to waste. At least tomorrow when I hit the farmers market again I already know which stalls I will be making a beeline to, and I have a mental list in my head and soon we will just be friends and now new customers.

I have to confess every time I come into a situation where I need to make adjustments I am not always happy about it. It is true I wanted to get out of my own rut and challenge my senses and capabilities but I will also admit like tonight I just want to sit and stare at the pretty sparkling raindrops on our windows, or just snuggle into our old couch and read a book. I do grumble. I whine. I feel scared also sometimes, or impatient. But I also know I have to let all these feelings come to surface and let them all bubble up and over, and then through all these I will find my will, my strength and my humor and then everything will be ok. Amidst all these craziness (or nonsense, or crap, as I have often said of late) there is always a bigger perspective we hang on to. No matter what, at the end of the day, even when everything had gone wrong wrong wrong, when we are still all together, I really don't care that we had to sleep on beach towels because the movers put our bedding box into storage.

I do wonder when I will say NO MORE TEETERING AND NO MORE CHANGES AND NO MORE ADJUSTMENTS. Maybe when I get sick of moving, maybe I just grow old and want to surround myself with chocolates and books and live next to a mango plantation and I don't care a damn about new places anymore. Maybe one day the only new I want is a new word, a new novel maybe. I am not sure if that will be a sad day or a good day when it comes, it all depends on perspective I guess. Right now, I know I am teetering and it is challenging, but I am going to do it. You have been most great and patient and amazing the past weeks, you made the teetering easier and keep me going. I love you, even when I am the crankiest mom in the whole wide world. After gamely going along with me all day, every night you sleep like a log and I love to see your peaceful faces and half-opened mouths, curled up without a care in the world. I want to sleep like that, coz teetering can be so tiring, but I think this is what I will keep doing, coz it is all so worth it!