as you saw yesterday, I embarrassed myself on the trapeze yesterday morning. (Even though you were all so kind about it, telling me I looked great, even though I was like a fish out of water!) Your father and I bought the tickets to the class, thinking we would do it as a date, but as it turned out, we did not have much time to use it due to our move. Your father was not sure how his back will respond to the trapeze, and together we decided I will do the class with Sophia.
Boy, was I scared when I climbed up that long and narrow ladder the first time to get to the platform! It seemed like it took forever to get there and even while standing on the very firm platform I was not convinced or secure. I was nervous but was told "nervous is fine!" I gave myself the permission to chicken out if need be, but I did not. I wanted to try. After all, I had nothing to lose. I could just fall and the net is just beneath, even though it looked like it was a million feet away. Sure, the others sitting around watching or my "classmates" could snicker but we are moving away and really everyone was focused on who they came with so I didn't feel I need to perform ballet in air to the (imaginary) audience.
The first time was the hardest because I kept thinking of all the things that could go wrong. And then I was in the air and those "professors" were right: I just had to LISTEN and respond right away and everything would go as they said it would. When I hesitated just a spilt-second to release my hands from the bar I immediately felt how everything got "heavier" and required more effort. Thankfully, I could always wait for the next swing and when the command came again, I let go, and viola! I was hanging upside down by my knees, looking down at the net and my head was not even spinning. It felt pretty awesome, even though there were several things I could fine-tune on and improve (like not looking like a three-tiered wedding cake hurtling through air).
I thought this class was perfect during this time, when we are going through this move and I am feeling both excited and quite, quite nervous. This class taught me to lean into the fear. If I just let go of it, it truly can do nothing to me, and I could literally just fly. Even when standing on the platform, one arm on the rope, and the other on the bar, preparing for the take-off, one is asked to really lean into that vast empty (and scary) space before her. Trying to lean back on the platform makes take-off clumsy, if not dangerous. Chest out, hips forward, the "professors" kept repeating. Chest out to tell fear "I'm not afraid. I'm facing you squarely." It makes the fear dissolve, even if just a little bit. Hips out to bring the body even further into the space, and while it seems to make it easier to fall off the platform (god forbid!), it actually makes take-off easier, and more graceful. If I did both of that, and took a deep breathe before I hear the shout of "Hep!" (circus code for "go!") I knew it was going to be OK. Alright, so once I started off really well and then brought my legs over way too far and almost rotated 360 degrees and essentially was let down in an awkward position, so what? People told me I looked "cool." (According to your father, indeed so, until er, I had to come down in that same position instead of flipping down.)
In any case this is what I took away from my trapeze class:
- The first time is always the scariest. But that is only because you are not aware of how MUCH you are capable of. Usually you are capable of far more than you think you can.
- Even if timing is crucial, there is often (almost always) a second chance.
- But you need to grab at that chance.
- Falling is ok. (Yes, I got scratches, skin burns and bruises, but like you told me, "They are going to heal in no time, mom!")
- Focus on what needs to be done, and forget fear.
- Fear consumes a lot of energy.
- To fly, you need to lean into that empty space.
- Until you lean forward, nothing will happen.
- No one can put the fear in you. Only you can allow the fear in you.
I did not get the certificate from the trapeze school because I rubbed off a large piece of skin from my palm and could not move on to the "catch" segment (and you need to do a "catch" to obtain that certificate). I was bummed about it, but really I took away more than what a certificate can give me. The certificate will say I did a "catch" there but I did more than that during those two hours. While battling the sun beating down on us, I observed all three of you for one of the last times under the Arizonan sun, grateful we are together. I discovered I have my fears and that I could overcome it, even if not completely (my heart still beat like crazy every time I climbed up to the platform, but I did not feel like dying anymore). I experienced the exhilarating feeling of leaning into fear and then abandoning it.
I am looking forward to us going on more adventures like this. Now that you are older we could go zip-lining, have a lot of fun and experience that unique feeling that is the exhilaration of joy after fear has been overcome. I know you have so much in you.
And I will love to be there to watch you fly, every time.
(And thank you for being so supportive of me when I tried to fly.)
Much love,
mama
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