saying goodbye

I see how difficult it is for you to say goodbye.

As you said, this is the first time in your life that you are leaving behind all the friends you have ever, ever made.

I understand, I really do, even though you think I do not.

I am finding it hard too. Especially going somewhere where we basically know nobody.

But we are always arriving, and we are always leaving, whether we are aware or not, whether we want it or not.

I kept thinking about how we never got to say goodbye to our little Ferdinand. No hello, no goodbye. That still hurts me to the core, even though every time I think of it, I try to let it go a little bit. This will also be the first year I will remember Ferdinand's birthday without friends around me. Not that I have sobbed on a friend's shoulder on that day ever, but it still makes a big difference, knowing someone will be there, if I would just say the word.

Being able to say goodbye is good. Being sad in saying goodbye, is good. This means we have made good friends; this means whom we are saying goodbye to is precious.This means we have made connections, and those can last a long time after goodbye's have been uttered, sobbed, whispered, or yelled.

I just hope we will get to say proper goodbye's when the time comes. My biggest fear as a mother is that I will not get to say goodbye to you. Every time I drop you off for a class, I drive away with a prayer, that please, no one will get me in an accident that kills me instantly. It just breaks me to think that you will be waiting for me to pick you up as promised, and then waiting, waiting, and waiting. First impatient, then annoyed, then scared. Then the kind stranger appears and takes your hands and tells you there is bad news.

I do not want it like that and I wish with every fiber of my being that will never ever happen. I will try my utmost best to prevent it. But as we know, sometimes we have no control.

That's why every meeting is so precious, and every moment so begging to be treasured. I know that is easy to forget. Especially in the past days, when I feel I only have this much time, and this much patience.

I have to keep reminding myself, treasure it now. Now, now, now. Not till after we settle in, not then. It is now.

As we say our goodbye's, let's remember all the wonderful good times, let's hold each moment with tenderness and gratitude, it will make our onward journey full of joy.